weepier tones

Today while running errands for my job, I caught an episode of the Diane Rehm show on KUHF, our local NPR station. The topic immediately caught my attention: social media use and a growing epidemic of loneliness in the United States.

As someone who both uses social media often and who has sometimes felt alone in a room full of friends, I continued to come back to one main issue with all of the contentions made: it is much more complicated than just that.

That said, there were a few points that I really felt like working through, and I’m really interested in your opinions on these issues. Let me just throw a disclaimer into the tumblrverse: I did not hear all of the points made by all of the contributors, and so I am only representing what I took from my intermittent listening this morning.

The reliance of humanity on a specific kind of face to face “sociality” as the only answer to our mounting feeling of loneliness.

This idea came from a man who had recently written a cover story for The Atlantic trying to address an issue he sees coming up for many professions, especially nurses, doctors, social workers, and psychologists: that their patients are increasingly suffering from loneliness and that this has a direct impact on their lived experiences. He wanted to get to the root of this loneliness, and in his article he explores the relationship between loneliness and the rise of facebook.

I cannot speak to all of his contentions, but I did find myself questioning this concept that face to face interactions with humans is the only real solution to loneliness. I think that there is a very specific kind of loneliness that can come from being surrounded by a group of people who do not think/feel/act like you, or who cannot understand your experience. And I think that social networking sites, like tumblr, can actually combat that sense of loneliness by showing you that you are not alone, that there are people who are/act/think like you, and they want to be your friend and interact with you, albeit not in a face to face manner.

I think this assumption is too simplistic and does not reflect a very deep connection many people develop with their internet friends, and I think its a mistake to assume that social media can’t play a fulfilling social role. Although, I highly doubt facebook is the answer to social problems. I really don’t like facebook all that much, and if it wasn’t holding all of my pictures hostage, I might be able to let it go.

I don’t agree with this idea that there is only one kind of interaction that can really fulfill us as humans. I think the reality, as always, is far more complex.

Social networks increase narcissism.

This is something I’d just really like to get y’all’s feedback on. What do you think? Is there something to reclaiming narcissism, like reclaiming vanity? Do social networking sites increase narcissism, or do they simply give a platform for the kind of posturing and self creation that happens in every day life in social interactions? If it does increase narcissism, is this more true on sites that ask you to communicate in a specific way (twitter, facebook) or on sites that are more about individual opinion and interests, like tumblr? I often do feel that even on the most intensely political tumblrs, there is still a definite aspect of personality cult woven into the posts and following of each blog. I definitely want to hear what y’all think!

I share therefore I am- the creation of the self through validation

This idea of “I share therefore I am” was coined by a researcher who was also a guest on the show. If I was a quality blogger, I would search through the internets to find her name and her book. But she came out with a book talking about these issues in 2011, and I bet if you’re really interested you can track her down.

The idea here is that our understanding of ourselves is increasingly reliant on our interactions with others. Our existence is proven through others’ validation of that existence. We are cool because our friends like our statuses, we are valid because we have followers, we exist because there is proof on facebook that we do.

She tried to explain her ideas through a statement that went something along the lines of, we used to get a feeling and then pick up the phone, and now we send a text to get a feeling. This idea struck a very sad chord with me. But I’m not sure that it needs to, and it isn’t just another evolution of human development.

I do certainly recognize some of this “I share therefore I am” in my own experience with texting, facebook, twitter, and tumblr. I’m really interested in your experiences and your feelings about this idea: Is it a good reflection of our experiences with social media? Is it a bad thing?

Loneliness comes from an inability to be alone.

This same woman put forth an idea that resonates a lot with my own experience. She said that she believes that this increase in loneliness is related to our constant connection and availability to our social networks: we are never really alone, so we don’t have a very well developed ability to be alone and to be content in our solitude. When alone-ness becomes something we cannot handle, loneliness increases. You cannot be a part of a community, she argues, without really being content with instances of solitude.

I think this is very interesting, because I find it to be somewhat true. I used to struggle a lot with any time alone, and now I’ve come to treasure it, but only when I choose to have it. When I have solitude because no one is available to me and not because I want it, it can result in real deep feelings of despair.

Anyhoodle, I found the podcast incredibly fascinating, and if you want to hear it, I found the link:

The Diane Rehm Show: Social Media and Loneliness

I would love to hear your thoughts!

tl,dr: There was a really fascinating podcast about social media and loneliness on NPR today, and you should check it out.

Often times we want to tell our partners (or lovers, or friends, family, etc) how we feel and assume we can come right out and say it. Many of us even attempt to use the proper “When you do this I feel this way, next time could you ________”. Anyone who has made their best effort to use ‘assertive I-statements’ in conversations about their feelings and issues with relationships can probably tell you exactly what a mixed bag the results can be.

The problem with the traditional ‘I-statements’ when it comes to interpersonal communication is no matter how you slice it or sugar coat it, your speech is directly blaming the other person for your feelings. Using language of blame takes responsibility off of yourself and typically leads to the other party feeling attacked. When someone is attacked the natural response is to become defensive, which, when you are already feeling badly, creates a rather volatile situation where you wind up feeling worse for merely trying to assert your feelings and correct an issue.

When you are having a problem with a partner, always try and use Blameless Language. There are two ways to do this, which will depend directly on the situation and the partner.

• Asserting yourself Blamelessly: Conversations that occur using neutral pronouns can often help the other person feel more objective about the situation. When a person does not feel attacked and instead can look at things in a less biased way, they are more often likely to give you the empathy and compassion your feelings deserve.
  Example:When THIS happens it makes me feel _____ way and it makes me not want to put myself in THAT situation anymore. (or make me want to be open about my feelings etc).
  
  
• Empathetic Questioning: Not everyone has the same level of empathy and often times it takes asking the person exactly how they would feel in your shoes to get them to understand your feelings. Again, always try and be blameless, your feelings are merely a fact, not an accusation. Explain to them you KNOW that your feelings are your own, you just would like to not feel that way about said situation anymore and what actions these feelings lead to.
  Example: Well, what if every time ______ happened, someone said negative things to you? Do you think you’d want to be around them or would associate those interactions with being sad and stressed out?

Note, these are merely examples, they can be adjusted for any situation that may arise between you and your partner. Know that your partner is NOT a mind-reader and don’t expect them to know your every feeling just because you assume it’s obvious. If the person still reacts defensively, use either technique to try and get them to see how their defensiveness does not reinforce your open communication of your feelings, merely discourages it.

myplannedparenthood:

Don’t think it’s a war on reproductive rights? Check out THIS state-by-state guide to 2012’s anti-choice laws - so far.

Hello tumblr. I’m here to ruin your afternoon.

What a goddamn depressing link.

Love,

Rabble