weepier tones

Non-verbal cues that someone is not consenting

stfurapeculture:

Anon asked:

I’m on the autism spectrum, which makes it difficult for me to read body language, especially if I’m in the situation instead of watching it on TV, etc. I really enjoy hugging and leaning on my friends, and I’m in a romantic and sexual relationship. I’d really appreciate it if you could provide a list of physical indications that a person is uncomfortable with contact. I know to take “no” for an answer, and I can tell when someone dramatically reacts, but I don’t want to harm anyone, period.

I really appreciate this ask! Here are some things I can think of off the top of my head, and I hope others can chime in and add to this list. This is not exhaustive, and not every one of these would indicate a lack of consent in every situation, but if you observe these signs, it could be a good time to check in verbally, and ask if the contact if okay. These may be indicators that the other person is uncomfortable with cuddling/non-sexual activities:

• Getting up from the couch to get something, and then sitting farther away when they come back;
• Quickly releasing you from an embrace;
• Pulling or turning their body away, such as turning a cheek to avoid a kiss, pulling a hand back when you touch it, or leaning their body further away;
• Stiffness or tension in their body;
• If the other person never initiates the hug, cuddle, etc;

Additional cues for sexual situations:

• Avoidance of eye contact (this may not always mean lack of consent, but I would take it as a cue to ask verbally);
• A blank or unengaged look on your partner’s face;
• They’re not pulling you closer, or touching you—generally laying still beneath you, or not reciprocating;
• Obviously things like tears, shaking;
• Lack of any sort of verbal feedback—talking, moaning, etc

When in doubt, it never hurts to ask. Can others add some more to this list?

[TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT] I’ve Been Sexually Assaulted Twice

iamateenagefeminist:

I don’t talk about them openly because I just don’t, but it happened twice.

But tonight I’ve been thinking about it and realizing that both men have no fucking clue that what they did was wrong, and they will never realize that what they did was wrong, and that fills me with much more rage than the acts themselves. 

These guys weren’t evil. They were normal college guys who didn’t understand that what they were doing was wrong.

We can help survivors all we want, and that is a noble and worthy cause.

But until we start educating men that touching a woman without consent is wrong, that pushing her head down during a make-out session is wrong, that having sex with a drunk person is wrong. We will never end sexual assault.

Sexual assault does not have to happen. It is not required for a normal functional society. It is the result of a society that does not educate it’s youth, and treats women as objects. I am fucking sick of it.

If you are not fuming with rage that sexual assault is preventable, and yet is not being prevented, I do not want to know you. I’m so mad. My rage is so great that I don’t think I can use words to describe it.

This shit doesn’t need to happen.

Word.

(via iamayoungfeminist)

Forming Safe BDSM Relationships.

lets-blog-about-sex-baby:

So over at my political blog, I got into a discussion about a novel of sorts called 50 Shades of Grey, which originated as a Twilight fan-fiction (I know.. eh) about a BDSM relationship. In short, what happened was a person posted an anti-BDSM post using this novel as a reference point to share why BDSM is inherently degrading for women and that you cannot be a feminist or an empowered woman if you take part in BDSM ect, ect. I obviously pointed out the ridiculousness of that assertion (though never having read the book myself) and a good follower of mine pointed out that, while the OP’s BDSM negative views are wrong, 50 Shades of Grey is a bad depiction of a BDSM relationship, and relies heavily on actual abuse and control that is out of the female sub’s comfort zone. So today, I thought that I would go over some stuff that makes a healthy BDSM relationship. 

1: Lay Down Ground Rules.

• Subs should articulate how much they are willing to be put through and what they are willing to do. They should also discuss things that they would definitely try or like if their Dom wants to, and things that are 100% off limits that they would never be comfortable with. 
• Doms should also articulate how much THEY are willing to put their subs through. If a Dom isn’t comfortable inflicting excessive amounts of pain, or using certain items on their sub, that should be expressed so that the Dom is comfortable in their role. 
• Figure out simple safety words or signals, and come up with an easy to memorize system. If your particular brand of BDSM involves gags or one party not being allowed to speak, this will help communicate when things need to be turned up or turned down. 
• Establish if you’re going to have a BDSM relationship where the dominant and submissive roles are played even when you’re not “in the bedroom,” so to speak. People find playing their roles in public, though not entirely with the sexual exhibit, to be a turn on. So discussing what kinds of things you’d keep about your dom/sub dynamic while in public could be a good experiment. 

And as always, remember that consent is not ongoing. If someone agrees that they want to try something, but then doesn’t want to go forward with it once it starts, respect those wishes. Coerced participation is sexual assault and can be considered rape; it doesn’t matter if you’re partners or not. 

2: Always Have Safety in Mind

• If you’re using any kind of equipment or toys, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. I know, reading can be hard, but it’s the difference between a good time and a bad time. This is especially true if you’re using penetrative toys, restraints, or other devices. If certain things are not used properly they can result in injury, and even though the point in BDSM is to sometimes get “hurt,” unwanted pain is never fun. 
• Know your own strength/how much pain you can take. Let’s look at this on a scale of 1 to 10, one being lowest strength/pain that can be dealt with, and 10 being the highest. If you’re a Dom and you’re strength is at a 10, but you’re sub can only take a 5, you’re going to have to work a little harder at judging how much you should dish out without hurting your partner. Likewise, if you’re a sub who can TAKE  10, but your Dom is at a 5, you will have to work together to find a good middle ground so that both of you can be satisfied. 
• Pay heed to any health risks that you are your partner(s) have. Allergies or physical/mental conditions that can be affected should be taken into consideration before you start. 
• Properly maintain your toys and equipment! Neglected or poorly cared for “extras” pose more threats to yours and your partner(s) safety. Make sure restraints are in good condition, that anything that is holding or suspending is well maintained.
• Be aware of any cautionary notes about how much or how long your equipment can be used  before it needs to be replaced. 

Keep in mind the materials that your things are made of and how often you plan on using them before purchasing. If you’re not going to be using your toys or equipment often, investing in relatively inexpensive toys might be the best way to go. However, if you’re going to be using it often, or using things that receive a lot of wear and tear, invest in something a little more expensive made with materials that will last a long time. 

3: Some Last Things to Remember:

• Be comfortable with your partner(s) and express any discomforts you might have going into BDSM. And, importantly, be comfortable with the idea of BDSM itself! Looking into what it’s about, reading about the various degrees of a Dom/sub relationship, ect, can help get a grasp for what you might like and will help you better understand BDSM.
• You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. While BDSM relies on one partner being “dominant” to another, BOTH partners have a say in what goes on, and a sub is only a sub in the scope of actions they are willing to be a sub in. 
• If you’re a Dom, keep in mind the bolded point above. While you are exercising dominance, it is only because your sub lets you, and respectful and loving doms never go past what their subs are willing to do. 
• Likewise, Doms cannot be forced to perform any acts on their subs they are not comfortable with. Healthy BDSM relationships involve both parties being completely comfortable in the roles they’re playing. 
• There will be people who find BDSM degrading or “immoral,” and usually those people are people who have come by their opinion by a very warped or uninformed manner. Just keep in mind that if it’s what you want to do and you’re consenting, there is nothing degrading or bad about it. Hell, you can even tell them about it! 

As always, message me if there’s anything you want to note about this post, and if you’re into BDSM, feel free to tell me what you think. 

-P

(via fuckyeahsexeducation)

Rules for good sex

powerpussysays:

quiltingqueer:

1. Consent

Active consent and waiting for a yes, instead of going ahead when you don’t get a no always work better. Talk about what you like, what you don’t like, things never to do, and so on and so forth. Knowing the boundaries is always excellent and can make everything go so much smoother in the long run. 

2. Safety

Bodily fluids should not mix unless you know that your partner is clean. Dental dams, condoms, gloves, and so on are your friends! Sex toys can spread infections too. Make sure your sex toys are body safe, and if they aren’t use a condom. If they smell like chemicals, they probably aren’t safe. Sterilize your toys or use condoms if they are doing to be shared between partners. 

And that’s it. Seriously. These are the only two hard and fast rules for good sex. Everyone defines what make sex good differently, and these are pretty much the only universals. 

This concludes Mike’s feels about sex. Feel free to send asks if you have more specific questions! 

Great resources for safer sex include: 

http://www.scarleteen.com/ - an excellent queer and body positive site

https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/ - a site that sells only body safe toys and discusses some of what’s bad about them. A member of the Coalition Against Toxic Toys. 

We’ve been getting some questions about sexual education/health resources and I haven’t had time to put together anymore dedicated answers. Here’s some great advice and a few resources for anyone that might be looking for them :D

(via fuckyeahsexeducation)