posts tagged "sex positivity"
here’s my sex+ guide to having safe, pleasurable butt sex! leave your taboos at the door :P
-butt sex should not hurt.
-lube! lube! more lube!
-never go straight from anus to vag
-only do it if you want to
-everyone has a butt! anal play is not inherently “gay”
(Sex+: Laci’s Guide to BUTT SEX)
This is one of the big problems with sex-positivity. Laci Green says she received an “alarming amount of messages about people being pressured into anal sex”. I think we all know that by “people”, she means women. Her solution is to make a video giving advice on how to have anal sex. How does that help those women? “Just don’t do it if you don’t want to”. No shit, Laci, I’m sure that idea had already occurred to those women. It’s easy to tell women to just not do things they’re not comfortable with, but that doesn’t do anything about the GUYS PRESSURING THEM TO DO THOSE THINGS. They’re still in the same boat they were before, trying to figure out what to do with a guy who wants to fuck her butt in a world that says women will die alone if they don’t let guys fuck their butts. There’s not a moment in this video where she is reprimanding these guys or telling em’ to knock it off, because OMG THAT MIGHT HURT THEIR FEELINGS AND MAKE THEM FEEL ASHAMED OF THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES. On the first fucking page of Youtube comments, there’s a guy saying that he’s “too big for her butt”, so he’s gonna buy her “anal relaxers”. That makes perfect sense if you’re a misogynist! Her body is rejecting his penetration despite their best efforts, so he will numb her ass instead so she can’t feel the pain and tearing that comes with forcing your penis inside a rectum that is not receptive to penetration.
P.S. putting numbing gels and relaxers on/in someone’s butt before anal play is a huge NO-NO. It’s very dangerous for the aforementioned reasons. You need to be able to feel pain to make sure you’re not injuring yourself. This is safe anal sex 101, and I wish I wasn’t so well-versed in this doodoo. No pun intended.
Fucking thank you Eli. I’ve had this problem with her for a while but didn’t quite know how to articulate it. She’s far too passive. Her videos all make sense if you are in a loving open relationship with someone who’s not a douche. Her videos all seem like the perfect Ta-da solution FOR A PERFECT WORLD. The sex+ attitude excuses a lot of things that are fucked up purely because they are sexual in nature, and sexuality is not to be shamed. This attitude leaves no room to call out misogyny and rapey situations. She’s far too passive. Tbh, men don’t need anymore encouragement to want to try buttsex. They don’t feel shamed for it, the porn industry fixed that problem a long time ago.
yeah I’ve had quite a few asks about people wondering what to do if their significant others (remember not just guys can pressure not just girls in to any kind of sex) pressure them into sex and I’ve had messages asking how to get their partners to do a certain sex act for them. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. You HAVE to respect people’s boundaries. It is never okay to pressure anyone in to sex. It can be difficult to remember that this needs to be said when you’re used to dealing with totally consensual relationships but it’s something that needs to be said over and over again.
Sex positivity entails being open to a multitude of attitudes and lifestyles regarding sexual identity/expression/activity in any way. It means recognizing that sex should not be taboo, shameful, or uncomfortable. Being sex positive doesn’t mean you have to have any specific preferences when it comes to having (or not having) sex, but it does mean that you celebrate the sexual choices made by other consenting adults. Aspects of sex and sexuality are allowed to make you uncomfortable, and you’re allowed to say ‘I don’t think I ever want to do that’. Just don’t extend those feelings beyond yourself, into judgment towards those who do.
Abstinence is a confusing word. Adults have been throwing it at teens for years, having teens sign pledges, and teaching abstinence-only education. I’ve found when I ask people to define what they mean by abstinence, they get a puzzled look on their face. Responses are far ranging and varied. Most people equate abstinence with not having sex, right? But how do you define sex?
Sex positivity means creating an environment where individualized sexuality and sex is supported and encouraged in a safe and consensual manner. Sex positivity works within a system of consent and open communication. Dialogue should be used to ensure the parties involved are fully consenting and aware of the sexual activities. Sex positivity means people support healthy sexual encounters as well as supporting a person’s right to chose a non-sexual encounter or to not engage in sex. Sex positivity fosters an inclusive environment for all.
It is perfectly okay to have multiple sexual partners.
Having sex with multiple people does not make you a slut. As long as your partner(s) is/are comfortable with it, have all the damn safe, consensual sex you want. Some people like to have sex without all the baggage that can come with a relationship. Some people prefer to have one partner. It’s their choice based on what they want and what’s right for them and no one has the right to shame someone for choosing what to do with their own love life.
I mean come on. Sex is awesome.
Despite the massive advances in women’s equality, young women’s sexuality is stuck in a surprising paradox. Young women are sold provocative clothes but aren’t taught where to find their own clitoris. Many girls give their boyfriends oral sex, but are too uncomfortable with their own bodies to allow the guys to return the favor. It’s still a radical act to say that women need and deserve access to information about their own sexual pleasure—not just about the risks and negative consequences of sex.
I don’t care how much sex anyone has, how often they do it, or who they do it with. I’m much more interested in the consent, pleasure, and well-being of the participants and the people affected by it. I respect women who are asexual, celibate, monogamous, multi-partnered, or have had more partners than they can recall. I respect women who only have sex after a commitment to monogamy and those who have sex with someone within minutes of meeting them. I respect women who have transactional sex, women who have sex for love, or for any other reason. I know that all of these categories are permeable and that many women move from one to another. And I know that any of these decisions can be made from a place of personal power, choice, and authenticity, as well as from a place of coercion, shame, and disempowerment.
Things I’ve learned about sex only through having it
-Keeping your fingernails reasonably trimmed is of the essence.
-It’s really not that difficult at all to take your partner’s bra off.
-The vaginal opening is further back than I had expected.
-Condoms have a smell. Not necessarily a bad smell, but it’s definitely there.
-Once in a while the penis falls out of the vagina. It just happens.
-It’s fun to just mindlessly play with your partner’s genitals afterwards.
-Washing my nose is a must after I perform oral.
-If we’re doing non-penetrative things to each other in turns, I have to do her first. If she does me first, I wind up too drained to return the favor as competently as I should be able to.
-Shower sex is tricky. Even when you find a position that’s comfortable, there’s still the obstacle of someone potentially getting blasted with water in the face, or someone getting no water at all and being cold.
-Silly happenings during sex is inevitable once in a while. Learn to laugh at it.
I disagree on the bra point, but the last two are so true.
Myth of the Hymen, dodsonandross.com
One of the reasons I wanted to share this was to show the sexualized violence around language of female sexuality. There is no “breaking,” “popping” or otherwise of the hymen— and you don’t lose it, it stays with you your whole life!
So if you’re worried about having penetrative sex for the first time because you think “breaking the hymen” will hurt—relax!
- Use PLENTY of lube (water based with condoms!), even if you think you don’t need it.
- Use condoms, dental dams, or latex gloves (unless you have an allergy to latex, then use non-latex alternatives) with appropriate (Water-based) lube. I always try to get lube without glycerin or parabens because I have sensitive skin and am prone to yeast infections.
- Go SLOWLY and listen to what your body is telling you.
- Masturbate and get comfortable with your own body and sex will be a lot better than if you have no idea what gets you off.
- Don’t rush into it the first time (or even the first few times).
- Sex should be pleasurable. Take your time and experiment with fingers, tongues, and toys.
- Use lube (I cannot stress this enough!)
- Relax and have fun with your partner. Otherwise, what’s the point of having sex?
Rules for good sex
Active consent and waiting for a yes, instead of going ahead when you don’t get a no always work better. Talk about what you like, what you don’t like, things never to do, and so on and so forth. Knowing the boundaries is always excellent and can make everything go so much smoother in the long run.
Bodily fluids should not mix unless you know that your partner is clean. Dental dams, condoms, gloves, and so on are your friends! Sex toys can spread infections too. Make sure your sex toys are body safe, and if they aren’t use a condom. If they smell like chemicals, they probably aren’t safe. Sterilize your toys or use condoms if they are doing to be shared between partners.
And that’s it. Seriously. These are the only two hard and fast rules for good sex. Everyone defines what make sex good differently, and these are pretty much the only universals.
This concludes Mike’s feels about sex. Feel free to send asks if you have more specific questions!
Great resources for safer sex include:
http://www.scarleteen.com/ - an excellent queer and body positive site
https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/ - a site that sells only body safe toys and discusses some of what’s bad about them. A member of the Coalition Against Toxic Toys.
We’ve been getting some questions about sexual education/health resources and I haven’t had time to put together anymore dedicated answers. Here’s some great advice and a few resources for anyone that might be looking for them :D
I’ve been watching Laci Green videos all day. I SHOULD be studying for history, but there you have it.
This is interesting. A couple years ago I found the term “partner” annoying. I thought it was kind of unfair to gay people, like it was something society was making them say because boys having boyfriends was inappropriate. This video kind of makes me look at things from an entirely different perspective. I don’t think it’s going to make me go so far as to start referring to Josh as something other than boyfriend, but it’s definitely something to consider.
A Very Short Guide To Long-Distance Sex
Distance is terrible, and one of the most terrible things about it is not being able to see (or hold or touch) your significant other(s). So, here are some basic pointers on how to conduct a sexual relationship while at a distance from your partner(s).
- Get to know your body first. If you haven’t masturbated before, it’s a good thing to learn. Actually, learning how to masturbate is good for all kinds of sex, not just this kind.
- Try webcams. Skype, GooglePlus, and other webcam chatting services are your friends.
- So are photos taken by a cellphone, webcam, or camera.
- So are text chatting services and plain old telephones.
- There are even sex toys specifically geared towards long-distance relationships.
- Find a place where you are guaranteed privacy on both ends. It is incredibly awkward to be walked in on whilst in the throes of passion.
- If you are going live (through chatting, audio, or webcams), set up a time in advance. Again, choose a time where you are both guaranteed privacy.
- If you are going to be using toys, lube, or any other implement, prepare ahead of time.
Things To Watch Out For
- Age restrictions. Sexual pictures of a minor, even if taken with consent (or even when taken by the minor themselves) count as child pornography. Don’t take or transmit images of yourself unless you are above the age of majority in your area.
- Medium restrictions. Check the Terms of Service of whatever you are using to transmit or record your dalliances, and use good judgement in choosing whether or not to use that particular service.
- Consent. Make explicit boundaries about everything and enforce them. How exposed are you willing to be? Are you OK with your upper body showing, but not your lower half? Body but not face? Are you OK with photos/video being saved, or do you only want a live feed? Are there things you aren’t willing to do on camera that you are willing to do in person? Enforce these boundaries strictly and make sure that there are consequences for breaking them.
How To Do It
- Relax. Stay within your boundaries and let it go. Your partner isn’t going to judge you for masturbating, having a certain body type, or fantasizing about certain things (and if they do, you need to have a serious relationship evaluation).
- Long distance sex is just like masturbating to erotica, pornography, or phone sex hotlines, except it’s with someone you’re in a relationship with. How cool is that?
- Like to masturbate to erotica or porn? Suggest watching them with your partner instead of going solo.
- Keep in mind that you may have to make up for physical sensation. For a lot of couples, this means dirty talk. It doesn’t even have to be particularly dirty; discussing fantasies you have, that time that sex was particularly awesome, or what you will do to them when you see them in person can all be used as dirty talk.
Overall, remember that this is, like physical sex, an expression of trust (and, for a lot of people, an expression of love). The medium doesn’t change that, so treat it as you treat physical sex.