posts tagged "sexuality"
The powers that be do not want me to have a good night.
Man, let’s say you’re at a party, yeah? And there are people at the party that prefer cake, and people at the party who prefer pie, so the host serves both. Alright, cool.
So you go in for a slice of pie, when suddenly the host CHARGES over and goes “WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
“I’m having some pie, man, chill.”
“What the hell? I thought you had cake last time.”
“Yeah, I did have cake last time. But I’m not feeling the cake tonight. And this is my favorite kind of pie.”
“Ohhh no. I thought you were a CAKE person and now all of a sudden you’re eating pie on me? You’re confusing me! Make up your mind!”
“What’s the big deal, even? There’s plenty of both for everyone.”
“YOU CAN’T LIKE BOTH CAKE AND PIE. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.”
But man, fuck that guy, I’m going to have the pie anyway, who cares if I had cake last week.
And then if that pie is so good that I never want any other dessert for the rest of my life, that doesn’t mean I suddenly never liked that cake that I ate.
Actually this metaphor is kind of dumb. I guess I should just leave it at “fuck you.”
No, it’s sweet. In fact, it’s a lovely springboard for the rest of the sexualities. For instance, asexuality:
You’re enjoying the party - the music, the conversation - but you just don’t feel like eating cake or pie.
Suddenly, the host charges over with some cake he’s sure you’ll love. He knows this cake. It’s not too rich and not too dry. You politely refuse.
The party keeps going until the host comes back with a slice of pie, practically shoving it in your hands. You try to refuse again.
“Oh come on, what do you want?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“Are you on a diet?”
“No, I just don’t eat pie. Or cake.”
“…you had a bad experience with dessert, didn’t you?”
“Forgive me if I’m getting too personal, but it had to be something traumatic. Did someone spike a baked good of whatever construction with a laxative?”
“Fuck no. I just have no desire to eat dessert. I’m sure your pies, cakes, muffins, cookies, waffles, wafers, Nutella sandwiches, what have you…I’m sure they are all lovely. Please, serve them to any and all who would consume them. I’m not one of them. Is that really so hard to comprehend?”
“…you just haven’t found the right one.”
I sort of really love dessert metaphors for sexuality because some of the things people say about sexuality are so ridiculous, but people really only notice them with the metaphors.
Also I love them because I like food and I’m going to eat some dessert now.
this exhibit looks fking AMAZING! i wish i could see it.
i want to focus on one piece that i’ve been getting a lot of email about:
There has been some confusion about the G-Spot and the fact that people orgasm without touching the (external) clitoris.
I think what Cliteracy is getting at is that the vagina itself does not cause orgasm. The orgasmic feelings coming from vaginal penetration are caused by the indirect stimulation of the internal clitoris (the clitoris is much larger than the little nub above the vagina!)
as well as the pleasurable glands surrounding the urinary tract (the sea-weedy looking things).
This pleasurable area, located 1-2 inches inside of the vagina on the wall closest to your bellybutton, is commonly called “The G Spot”. Some people can orgasm from it, others can’t. Having a really intense G-Spot orgasm is on the less common side. What is common is orgasm from proper stimulation of the external clitoris, so don’t neglect it! :)
(Check out the CLITical Thinking episode on Sex+ for more info on the clit! The male and female “G-Spots” will be covered soon.)
“Empowered” and “sexy” are not universally synonymous. That a woman is not a sex kitten does not mean that she’s any less comfortable or empowered or any of that stuff. See above, re: not a homogenous demographic. Stop making sexiness a universal demand. Let some characters be unsexy. And for f*ck’s sake, please, please stop drawing women who are injured, or dead, or being tortured, or punching bad guys, in sex-kitten pin-up poses. That is bad visual storytelling, and it is INCREDIBLY creepy. Let women be heroes for the sake of heroism. Women don’t have to be damaged or traumatized to be strong, or to want to make a difference. Corollary: Dropping rape into a backstory is not a panacea for making a female character complex and gritty.
Imagine you have a daughter. Imagine the kind of women you’d like her to want to grow up to be. Write them. Write women you’d want to be friends — really good friends — with. Write women you’d get in arguments with. Write women you’d be legitimately scared of. Write women like your mom, like your aunts, like your wife, like your friends, like your nieces and nephews and daughters and bosses and friends. We are not aliens… This, too, goes back to “doing things.” A lot of the time, male characters act, and female characters are acted upon. Let female characters make difficult choices — and sometimes choose wrong — and have struggles and the same real victories. Because without those things, they’re not characters; they’re just window dressing.
here’s my sex+ guide to having safe, pleasurable butt sex! leave your taboos at the door :P
-butt sex should not hurt.
-lube! lube! more lube!
-never go straight from anus to vag
-only do it if you want to
-everyone has a butt! anal play is not inherently “gay”
(Sex+: Laci’s Guide to BUTT SEX)
This is one of the big problems with sex-positivity. Laci Green says she received an “alarming amount of messages about people being pressured into anal sex”. I think we all know that by “people”, she means women. Her solution is to make a video giving advice on how to have anal sex. How does that help those women? “Just don’t do it if you don’t want to”. No shit, Laci, I’m sure that idea had already occurred to those women. It’s easy to tell women to just not do things they’re not comfortable with, but that doesn’t do anything about the GUYS PRESSURING THEM TO DO THOSE THINGS. They’re still in the same boat they were before, trying to figure out what to do with a guy who wants to fuck her butt in a world that says women will die alone if they don’t let guys fuck their butts. There’s not a moment in this video where she is reprimanding these guys or telling em’ to knock it off, because OMG THAT MIGHT HURT THEIR FEELINGS AND MAKE THEM FEEL ASHAMED OF THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES. On the first fucking page of Youtube comments, there’s a guy saying that he’s “too big for her butt”, so he’s gonna buy her “anal relaxers”. That makes perfect sense if you’re a misogynist! Her body is rejecting his penetration despite their best efforts, so he will numb her ass instead so she can’t feel the pain and tearing that comes with forcing your penis inside a rectum that is not receptive to penetration.
P.S. putting numbing gels and relaxers on/in someone’s butt before anal play is a huge NO-NO. It’s very dangerous for the aforementioned reasons. You need to be able to feel pain to make sure you’re not injuring yourself. This is safe anal sex 101, and I wish I wasn’t so well-versed in this doodoo. No pun intended.
Fucking thank you Eli. I’ve had this problem with her for a while but didn’t quite know how to articulate it. She’s far too passive. Her videos all make sense if you are in a loving open relationship with someone who’s not a douche. Her videos all seem like the perfect Ta-da solution FOR A PERFECT WORLD. The sex+ attitude excuses a lot of things that are fucked up purely because they are sexual in nature, and sexuality is not to be shamed. This attitude leaves no room to call out misogyny and rapey situations. She’s far too passive. Tbh, men don’t need anymore encouragement to want to try buttsex. They don’t feel shamed for it, the porn industry fixed that problem a long time ago.
yeah I’ve had quite a few asks about people wondering what to do if their significant others (remember not just guys can pressure not just girls in to any kind of sex) pressure them into sex and I’ve had messages asking how to get their partners to do a certain sex act for them. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. You HAVE to respect people’s boundaries. It is never okay to pressure anyone in to sex. It can be difficult to remember that this needs to be said when you’re used to dealing with totally consensual relationships but it’s something that needs to be said over and over again.
The man who is horrified at a woman’s “overly exposed” breasts will likely never have to worry about wearing one shirt—one shirt out of a lifetime of shirts—that happens to accidentally set off some random person’s slut meter, because of the way his body just is. And because my breasts are smaller, less visible, less imposing than other women’s breasts—because there’s less boob there—I can feel free to wear the more revealing top without attracting claims of public obscenity. It seems that some women’s bodies are just naturally sluttier than other women’s bodies—and all women’s bodies are naturally sluttier than men’s bodies.
|Them:||I don't think kids should be exposed to gay relationships.|
|Them:||It's introducing children to sexuality! They're too young for that!|
|You:||So when a prince and princess kiss in a Disney movie, are they introduced to sexuality? When the prince and the princess get married and have a child, is that introducing your child to sexuality?|
|Them:||NO! But if they see a man and a man, or a woman and a woman together... they're going to start asking questions! Like how a man and a man can... you know, do anything together.|
|You:||You think the only thing people think when they see a gay couple is "I wonder how they have sex"? Furthermore, you think a CHILD is going to even know what that means? When the prince and the princess kiss, does your 4 year old daughter ask, "mommy, how do people have intercourse"? No. She just sees two people in love. If you remember when you were a kid, you probably didn't think about sex every time you saw two people happy together.|
|Them:||But it'll bring up all kinds of questions, it'll confuse my child!|
|You:||Then be a fucking parent and explain it to your child. The only question that might be brought up is "mom, why don't you want gay people to be happy?". And when you don't have a good answer for that question, you can look your child in the eye and say "It's because I'm a bigot".|
“It’s important to clarify that sex education that teaches about pleasure doesn’t have to teach about technique (though elective college-level sex education that does this is great). Letting teens know that women usually achieve orgasm through the rubbing of the clitoris, whether fingers, mouth, object, or penis, isn’t the same as screening an instructional video on giving good cunnilingus. It’s not the same as writing down the names of sex-toy shops on the blackboard, or handing out diagrams of cool and exciting coital positions. And teaching that lubricants reduce pain and increase safety and pleasure during many kinds of sex should be thought of not as performance advice, but on par with vital lessons about condom use.
Real sex education is not the same as porn education. Instead, it’s about teaching that pleasure is an important part of any sexual relationship. It’s about teaching that there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexual pleasure and seeking it out, so long as it is done safely and responsibly. It’s about teaching comfort with one’s body and a lack of shame over desires, and there is more to sex for all people than sticking penises into vaginas. Real sex education teaches how to go about making intelligent , safe choices, rather than just stating the choices available. I believe there is a big difference. And I believe that teaching teens to make smart choices about sex must involve teaching them that having sex, partnered or alone, can be a smart choice”.
Sex positivity means creating an environment where individualized sexuality and sex is supported and encouraged in a safe and consensual manner. Sex positivity works within a system of consent and open communication. Dialogue should be used to ensure the parties involved are fully consenting and aware of the sexual activities. Sex positivity means people support healthy sexual encounters as well as supporting a person’s right to chose a non-sexual encounter or to not engage in sex. Sex positivity fosters an inclusive environment for all.
Female toplessness is legal in a lot of places in the US (although not where I live), and I’d be meeting the letter of the law with a couple of Band-aids. But I have a gut feeling that if I go anywhere that there are people—and particularly anywhere there are children—nobody’s going to be too happy about my Band-aids. The enforcement is social; women just don’t go around topless in the US.
It bothers me because it’s unequal, but it also bothers me in its implications: that my body is inherently sexual, and a man’s body isn’t. It feels like men are being viewed through the first-person lens of “it’s nice to feel the sun on my skin, and I don’t mean anything by it” and women are being viewed through the distinctly third-person lens of “it’s inappropriate for me, a heterosexual man, to see her sexy parts.” It ignores the experiences of people who are turned on by male chests and somehow manage to contain themselves when they see one.
If you’re gonna have pizza with someone else, what do you have to do? You gotta talk about what you want. Even if you’re going to have the same pizza you always have, you say, ‘We getting the usual?’ Just a check in. And square, round, thick, thin, stuffed crust, pepperoni, stromboli, pineapple — none of those are wrong; variety in the pizza model doesn’t come with judgment. So ideally when the pizza arrives, it smells good, looks good, it’s mouthwatering. Wouldn’t it be great if we had that kind of anticipation before sexual activity, if it stimulated all our senses, not just our genitals but this whole-body experience. And what’s the goal of eating pizza? To be full, to be satisfied. That might be different for different people; it might be different for you on different occasions. Nobody’s like ‘You failed, you didn’t eat the whole pizza.’
Good Choices Ring
I was talking to a women’s studies proffessor recently about purity rings. Purity rings are rings given to girls that are suppossed to symbolize chastity and “purity”. The ring is suppossed to be worn until marriage, as a sign that the wearer will remain a virgin until she is married.
The concept is obviously misogynistic and harmful. Having sex before marriage does not mean you’re not “pure” or that you’re “dirty”. It just means that you chose to have sex before marriage.
My instructor told me that when all of her daughters friends were getting purity rings she decided to give her daughter a “good choices” ring instead. A good choices ring, my instructor explained, represented her faith in her daughter to make good healthy choices about her health and sexuality.
I thought this was a great idea. I think it’s important that parents don’t shame sexuality. If daughters need help, they should be able to go to their parents without judgment.
If purity rings are still around when I’m a mother, my daughter will be getting a good choices ring instead.